the Goal

the Goal is to be half the woman i am right now. The irony is that in becoming twice my normal size I have become at least half the woman I once was. Now I'm looking for that half of me again. I can lose half my body weight in pure fat.

How do I keep the urgency of this goal in my mind? My tendency is to forget it the moment after it is realized. Already I am confronted with desires to eat. The illusion I have is that I will eat and enjoy and life will be peaceful and good. No problem. But the reality I live with is that I will eat (when I'm not hungry, when I'm stressed, when I'm bored, when I'm tired) too much and get fatter and fatter. I need to stay in the reality where eating for reasons other than hunger makes me fat, and resist the lure to dreamland where I can eat just for the pleasure and stress-relief eating brings. It relieves the present, temporal stress, but it creates a long-term, debilitating stress of its own.

I really am following the path of an addict. I think I can handle food but it always overtakes me. I become a slave to this lust for food (especially sugar) and I'll do anything to scratch that itch. Then I am ashamed and disgusted with myself and vow to put food in its proper place. And sometimes I can for awhile, but then I always fall to the temptation again. I don't know if cutting out sugar entirely would be enough for me to remain "sober". Is it only the sugar? Or is it all food?

I keep following Plans hoping someone has all the answers for me. But I've learned that those plans really only have the answer for some people. No plan can cover everyone. And part of that answer has to come from me, or the Plan fails. I am very afraid to trust myself for this answer. When I think of the education I have had in weight control I begin to laugh hysterically. I could write the plan and it would work! But I am lacking the confidence to follow my own instinct and knowledge. And I am lacking the faith to follow my God, knowing He will lead me down the right paths He has prepared for me. Thank you, Lord, for this time of clear thinking.

Followed by another dose of stress. Children are adept at creating stressful situations. And what did I do? Grabbed a nutritionless, high-carb snack. Hunger and stress do not combine well for me. But, where was I? Thinking clearly. So there is being mindful of the reality of my relationship with food vs. the illusion my mind is drawn to; there is dealing with the temptation to eat, pure and simple; there is keeping accounts so you know when you are succumbing to the stress and the tempation just how much you are actually eating; there is support because it is a lot of work and I have a long way to go. Those are the first things I will address. I will remain mindful by journalling about this regularly; I will pray and turn my heart to God for help to withstand temptation; I will not fill the house with temptation-inducing foods; I will keep track of what I eat; I will find support, preferably a weekly support.