Whoa, I guess it's been awhile. The new episode in my life, as far as weight loss goes, is exercise. I decided I was not pushing myself enough. I needed to do something I didn't think I could. So I started the Couch to 5k running program. You're supposed to start with one minute intervals of running and walking. I started with 20 seconds running, 1:40 walking. I felt like there was no way I'd ever run 5k. Now I'm running 5 minutes in a row and I'm starting to believe I am going to be able to run that 5k. And because it's been so gradual, it hasn't bothered my knees or feet or anything.

Then, because I felt the effects of heart-pumping exercise on my ADD and depression symptoms, I started doing 30 minutes on the elliptical every other day when I'm not running/walking. This works better than medication. But the key, I think, is the pushing. I need to get my heart rate up so I'm really sweating. Do that for 20-30 minutes and I get the same adrenaline and endorphin rush that the drugs are supposed to deliver. That will carry me for 8-10 hours.

It's the first time in my "trying to lose weight" career that I've exercised for a reason other than weight loss. I am definitely hoping for weight loss results, but the thing that keeps me going every day is that it makes my day better. It's like taking a "have a great day!" pill in the morning. And when I start to get used to the feeling and forget that it is because of the exercise that I feel good I think of the health problems that I have and the ones that are waiting for me in the future and see myself climbing out of a pit of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, cancer, mental illness, dementia and just plain immobility with each step I take.

Still Fighting

Well, the battle continues.

I think I almost had it licked this past Sunday. I was locked in a vice grip with temptation, neither it nor I being able to pin the other down (thanks, Shirley, for the wrestling analogy). I could find my way to sanity, but within minutes, or seconds, of finding peace the temptation would grab me again. I thought I was going to come through, but suddenly I just got up, walked to the kitchen and started eating. This food addiction is a bizarre experience.

Yesterday I kept eating until I was almost sick. When I'm bingeing I basically don't stop eating until I physically can't eat anymore or I will vomit. I wish I didn't have to get to that point before I can shake the lust for food. Now I am in the "I don't want to overeat" stage. The hard part comes when the desire to eat comes back. And the battle begins again.

I've been in this story for at least 20 years, but this time I know I can win. I know it won't kill me, and that I can have peace and even enjoy a balanced life with food after the battle. It's kinda like I'm under siege - I just need to outlast the cravings and they will retreat. And now, at age 41, I know, for the first time, that I can outlast them.

Jamaica - 2010!

Well, time to re-invent the blog, I think.

I survived Christmas. Gained 4 lbs over two weeks, but lost it the following week. So there I was at 32 lbs lost, feeling very good about where I was.

Then came my first all-inclusive tropical vacation. I could not have predicted how that status - all-inclusive - would affect me. I felt I had to eat everytime there was food offered. And in between the meals, there are drinks - fruity, smoothie, bubbly, steamy - you name it!

By Wednesday I felt ready to cry. Okay, I did cry. I was so awfully full and disgusted with myself for not being able to say no. Why was I compelled to eat when I didn't want to? And why was I compelled to eat everything I would normally avoid - just because it was "paid for"?

Upside - I'm not beating myself up about it. As a learning experience, I realize I am not, at this point, ready for an all-inclusive vacation. I'm not able to turn down all these things that feel like "treats" to me when they are constantly offered and all I have to do is say yes. I hope one day I will be able to eat according to my better judgement in spite of the availability of unhealthy choices.

Unfortunately, when I returned I felt panicked that I would have to stop eating all these things - chocolate being first on the list - and so I was bingeing. All Tuesday, right up until the meeting, I was packing it in. The results were a 10 lb gain on the scale.

I hope at least a few of those pounds are from the day's intake and will come off quickly. Still, I'm not impressed with myself to have gained 10 lbs.

But the good far outweighs the bad. I've learned the necessary elements to staying in control of my eating, and I've learned to have patience with myself after I've had a period of out of control eating.

I think I should instantly revert to eating perfectly, but that doesn't happen. I have cravings for sugar, and I have a pressing "hunger" to keep consuming things. I have to wait for that to go away. And it does go away after a couple days of resisting it. It's a gradual acclimation to balanced eating and, after a couple of days, that aggravating desire to eat, eat, eat goes away.

I can do this.