Week Two: This week I commit to eating 2 servings of Fruits and Vegetables per day.

Done! This one was harder. I had to work at it.

Loss: 2.4

It's awesome I still lost when I spent 4 days in Montreal always having to eat at a restaurant. Some tough choices there, too. But I did it! Proud of myself.

September 22/09 (retroactively)

Week One: This week I commit to tracking.

Accomplished.

Loss: 6.6 lbs

Hope

I am having this strange sensation, and I only just recognized what it is - it's hope! I don't know where it came from exactly, but that's what it is.

It isn't like I've had some dramatic spiritual awakening. I've just started being more honest, and I guess along with that I've become more accepting - of the frailty of human beings, and of the sinful state of the world we live in, and, it follows, accepting of God's faithful love and grace.

I was always kinda repulsed by my own sinfulness. I assume others would be repulsed as well. But somehow God is not repulsed. How did Christ draw near to the most unclean and degraded people around him? He honestly saw beyond their sinfulness to something more important.

I don't end with my sinful nature; there's more to me than that. I think that's what God sees and I'm seeking to see that as well. And to see beyond others' sin and really be able to love them.

Tired and sad this morning. Maybe it's still the backlash from the cookie episode. I am longing for food. A bowl of cereal, toast with peanut butter, a cookie... doesn't matter what because I'm not hungry anyway. Just wanting some comfort.

Had an unpleasant conversation with the husband last night. I've been working on re-engaging with life the past week or two. As I attempt to manage my self and my time I am confronted with the things that frustrate my attempts. Finding solutions to these hindrances is a necessary part of the process, but in doing so I find myself facing all the pain and frustration of my married life.

I'm struggling even to put it into words. I've been here before, trying to find a better way to manage life, and I am always hurt and/or shackled by Steve's attitudes and words. Consequently, I gave up trying. I disengaged from everything that was frustrating and seemingly unchangeable. Hate working in my kitchen? Don't. Stop planning meals, stop cooking as much as I possibly can. Frustrated by the cramped and inefficent space in the girl's closet? Pile the clothes and deal with it later.

This isn't me. I'm a solution girl. Why be frustrated when a little change can make it much better? I'm confronted with how I have buried my feelings of powerlessness, hurt and anger and simply withdrawn from life.

Am I strong enough to handle the mess of dealing with these feelings, especially in terms of my husband's reactions? I don't know.

Starbucks, my Starbucks

While I maintain that Starbucks is my friend - their non-fat lattes will keep my bones intact til I'm 100 - I was, until tonight, blissfully unaware of the evil lurking behind the steamed milk and espresso.

I was returning from dance class (for the children, not me) with plans to hit the drive-thru for a latte and 6 points burning a hole in my tracker and thought mayhaps I would have a cookie. Yes they're fairly big cookies, but I had 6 points. 6 points is a whole lunch entree - methinks it should cover a cookie.

After consuming said cookie, I went online to track down its nutritional details. Why estimate when I can get the exact figures? This is where my rare pocket of food naivete meets cold, hard reality. This delicious cookie is ------460 calories-------, -------22 grams of fat-------, -------11 points------. It's a cookie, people!

In shock, I stare at my computer monitor with sure and final knowledge, woefully laced with disbelief, that I will never enjoy this cookie again. Not the way I did pre-9/17. In the post-9/17 culture of my mind I will never again assume that an item's capacity to hold fat or sugar is limited by it's size or by ages old baking truths wherein flour + butter + sugar + eggs = cookies that wouldn't reach 460 calories if they were the size of your head.

And the worst part? I immediately crave more. Not only is it the most calorie dense cookie known to man but it makes you crave more of whatever is in it that adds up to 460 calories.

Apparently, my carrier is not set up for mobile blogging. Pity, cause now I can't remember what golden nugget went zinging through my brain earlier today.

I am happy to be tracking. But today, day 2, it is sinking in that the need for planning is fast upon me. Tracking doesn't work so well, for me, without planning. I quickly get myself in trouble, run out of points, stop tracking... you get the idea.

Because I have learned the importance of keeping the ball rolling when it comes to developing new habits and keeping my eating under control, I now need to make planning my priority. When I sit down to actually do this I'm confronted with the inevitable truth that I don't want to. Maybe life isn't as much about doing what I want to do as I thought it was.

In fact, I think I was telling Jenea (age 5) that just yesterday. Is that what responsibility is? See, I need an actual definition. I'm not even sure what that is, but I have this feeling there is a really good reason for not just doing what you feel like doing all the time.

Good day. If I was tracking today I may not have felt that way - but I managed to avoid eating any chocolate, pastries, donuts, cakes, squares, bars, marshmallows, toffee, candied apples, or just plain sugar by the spoonful! I did eat a muffin and a nutrition bar and too much food in general. But at the moment I feel calmer than I have in a while. The sugar demons are quieter, so I think I have succeeded to some degree today.

I am not my own

Been on an all out binge for the past 7+ days. Struggling because I don't feel ready to give it up yet, but the voice of reason is begging me to come to my senses. Then I came across a Scripture passage I had written out - it was in a box of memorabilia - from 1 Corinthians, where it talks about your body being a temple of the Holy Spirit. It says "you are not your own...you were bought at a price". My body isn't really mine, it's on loan. That made me think of the parable of the talents. Maybe everything God gives us to use for Him is like those talents - not just money, or ability, but all the resources He gives us to use while we are in this life. In that context it is clear to me that I have been frantically trying to "bury" this body since my teen years, earlier I think. I have spent most of my lifetime trying to hide my body, much of the time wishing I had never been given it.